Nothing can offer a better laugh than reading funny quotes and sayings about life. Sometimes funny quotes to help you get through today. Take a quick look at our funny memes to find several cool humorous quotes right now. Easy to read a list of the most hilarious phrases ever spoken. Perfect for sharing, blogging, and tweeting.
“If someone points at your black clothes and asks, whose funeral it is, you just look around the room, and answer, ‘haven’t decided yet.”
“The most expensive thing in the world is trust. It can take years to earn and a matter of seconds to lose.”
“If I died I want my friends to keep updating my status to freak people out.”
“Sometimes, I shock myself with the smart stuff I say and do. Other times, I try to get out of the car with my seat belt on.”
“It’s hard to find a friend that’s…. 96% Funny 98% Sexy and 100% sweet so don’t lose me!.”
“I’m a pretty nice person, but I also realize that if there were an asshole championship, I would place respectfully in my weight division.”
The best thing about me? I laugh at my own jokes so you don’t have to. But you probably will. Because I’m hilarious.
If I can chat with friends and make them laugh and maybe even get them to pee in their pants a little then my day has not been wasted…
ADMIT IT You’ve done one of these:
1) Walked into a room, forgot what you needed, walked out, and then remembered.
2) when you were younger, drew the sun in the corner of the paper
3) When you Were little, thought the shape of a real heart was actually
4/Closed the fridge door really slow, just to see when the lights went off. 5)Tried to balance the light, between the ON & OFF.
Justin Bieber: “I have millions of fans and I am not even 20 yet”
Minion: “I have billions of fans and I don’t even exist”.
Best Funny Quotes, Hilarious Sayings, Amusing Words
With age comes skills, It’s called multi-tasking. I can laugh, cough, sneeze, and pee all at the same time!
“I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. The list of people I plan to haunt gets bigger every day.”
“Research has shown that laughing for 2 mins is just as healthy as a 20 min jog. So now I’m sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.”
“Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut up.”
“To my daughter who likes to argue with me. Where do you think your attitude comes from. Give it up. I have decades more experience than you do.”
“A beautiful heart can bring things into your life that all the money in the world couldn’t obtain.”
“Life is to short to be serious all time. If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me, I’ll laugh at you.”
When I’m quiet, those that don’t know ME to look at Me and think I’m shy People who know Me think: OMG! she’s Thinking! Everyone Run For Your Life!”
“We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads. So I’m not fat, I’m just really intelligent and my head couldn’t hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me! That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!”
Funny Quotes to Make You Laugh Out Loud
“I Was Raised To Show Respect l wasn’t dragon up, l was taught to knock before I open a door, Say hello when I enter a room. Say please, Say thank you and show respect to my elders. I let another person have my seat if they need it. say ’yes sir’ and ’no sir’ and help others when they need me to, not stand on the sidelines and watch. I will hold the door open for others behind me and say ‘excuse me’ should l need to pass. I love people for who they are. not what I can get from them and most importantly, I was raised to treat people exactly how l would like to be treated by others. Its called respect. If you were raised in this way then Share this on your wall.”
“I wake up every day planning to be productive and then a voice in My head says: “Haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.”
“Dear Friday, I’m so glad we are back together. I’m sorry you had to see me on Monday, Tuesday, but I swear I was thinking about you the whole time.”
“A police officer came to my house and asked where I was between 5 and 6 He seemed irritated when I answered ‘kindergarten!”
“When someone tells you more information than you wanted to know and hurts your feelings.”
“So I just saw a donkey crossing the road. The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart ass.”
“The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.”
“I WANT -I WANT -I WANT. Every day you hear people saying what they want. Well, this is what I want, I want people who are sick to be healed. I want children with no families to be adopted. I want people to never have to worry about food and shelter and heat. Most of all, I would like to see our people start to care for one another. Now, let’s see how many people re-post this.”
“3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, “We have reached your destination”. The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said ’’Thank you”. The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked ’’What was that for?”. The 3rd guy replied, “Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!”
Short Funny Quotes and Sayings with Pictures