Best Funny Quotes About Life, Love, and Success. Only the best of the best quotes make it here, and it’s up to our visitors to decide which make it and which do not. Funny Quotes That Will Make You Smile (Instantly) – “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
Funny Quotes to Make You Laugh Out Loud “The most important thing is to enjoy your life – to be happy – it’s all that matters.” Happiness Quotes “Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”
Funny Inspirational Sayings and Funny Inspirational Quotes about what matters most in life “The things that matter most must never be at the mercy of the things that matter least.”
Best Funny Quotes
Funny quotes about life sayings “If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap.” if you don’t obey the rules above you can’t.
1. “I wish people came with a 30 second trailer. So I can see what I’m getting myself into.”
2. “I miss you like an idiot misses the point.”
3. “Being an adult is pretty easy, you just feel tired all the time and tell people about how tired you are and they tell you how tired they are.”
4. “Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.”
5. “People need to understand the difference between want and need. Like. I want abs. But I need tacos.”
6. “It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.”
7. “Just a general life update: hungry again.”
8. “When I’m feeling down & someone says ‘suck it up’ I get the urge to break their legs and say ‘walk it off’.”
9. “Just when I think I have all my ducks in a row one of the fluffy fuckers wanders off & gets into some shit.”
10. “He wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too.”
11. “No matter how bad it gets, I’m always rich at the dollar store.”
12. “I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.”
13. “You can’t truly refer to yourself as an adult until you catch yourself getting really angry when the grocery store changes their layout.”
14. “I want a closed casket funeral. However, towards the end of the service, please have the organist play “pop goes the weasel” over and over until everyone in attendance is staring at my coffin with silent, horrified anticipation.”
15. “Just as the graveside service finished, there was a distant lightning bolt accompanied by a tremendous burst of rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “well, she’s there and it’s his problem now.”
16. “If you see me talking to myself. I’m having a staff meeting.”
17. “If your job is to tell me how to do my job, you should at least know how to do my job.”
18. “Sometimes when I find out the actual lyrics to a song, I discover that I like my version better.”
19. “Whoever did voodoo on my love life can chill now, I learned my lesson.”
20. “Somewhere, somebody out there is thinking of you and the tremendous impact you’ve made on their life. It isn’t me… I think you’re a fucking idiot.”
21. “Nothing says “I mean business” like using a cart at the liquor store.”
22. “Please forgive me if I don’t talk much at times. It’s loud enough in my head.”
23. “You are either on my side, by my side, or in my f–cking way. Choose wisely.”
24. “Some days I amaze myself. Other days I look for my phone while I’m talking about it.”
25. “I’d like to thank whoever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.”
26. “Have you ever just looked at someone and knew the wheel was turnin’ but the hamster was dead?
27. “Momster: What happens to mom after she counts to 3…”
28. “That’s the last time I eat taco bell.”
29. “An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.”
30. “When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits… Go for a drive, go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.”
31. “Laundry: Washing – 30 mins drying – 60 mins putting away- 7 to 10 business days.”
32. “Someone offered me grapes. I declined… I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.”
33. “Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.”
34. “I was taught to think before I act, so if I smack the shit out of you, rest assured-i’ve thought about it, and am confident in my decision.”
35. “Roses are red violets are blue faces like yours Belong in the zoo don’t be mad I’ll be there too not in the cage but laughing at you.”
36. “I always knew I’d get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise, though.”
37. “You know when you buy a bag of salad & it gets all brown & soggy? cookies don’t do that.”
38. “Seriously? You were the sperm that won?”
39. “The main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in place.”
40. “Of course I talk like an idiot how else could you understand me?”
41. “Sure, sometimes I question my parenting. But to be honest, sometimes I question my child’s childing.”
42. “I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.”
43. “I’m just one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.”
44. “Fitness tip: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.”
45. “Apparently “spite” is not an appropriate answer to “what motivates you?”.”
46. “If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”
47. “I’m allergic to stupidity I break out in sarcasm.”
48. “No response is a response. And it’s powerful one. Remember that.”
49. “Somewhere, somebody out there is thinking of you and the tremendous impact you’ve made on their life. It isn’t me… I think you’re a fucking idiot.”
50. “That amazing moment when you hear a song you haven’t heard in years and you still know every word.”
51. “Word of the day: Shenanigator a person who instigates shenanigans.”
52. “I can’t believe how old people my age are.”
53. “Home is where you trust the toilet seat.”
54. “Keep your coworkers on their toes. Stir your coffee. Slowly. With a steak knife.”
55. “You never realize how little self control you have until the chips and salsa are in front of you at a mexican restaurant.”
56. “Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.”
57. “My mind is like my internet browser 19 tabs open 3 of them are frozen & I have no idea where the music is coming from.”
58. “I’m single by choice. Not my choice, but it’s still a choice.”
59. “Boss: Why are you late? Me: Someone told me to go to hell. I couldn’t find it at first. But now I’m here.”
60. “I’m not antisocial I very much enjoy socialising with the right people at the right moments for the right amount of time.”
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Funny pictures with quotes
Need some inspirational pictures quotes to hang up on the wall? These motivational quotes with images will help push you to keep moving around.
